I'm sure I'll get the picture.

Im sitting here, alone, in my under armor pants and a new penn state hoodie, alone being the key word. I hate this. I should be at Ali's with my friends, the friends I basicaly only get to see once a week, at the sleepover we have every weekend. Once again I should be there. But nope, im here. Last night when I asked to go, the convo went like this:
Me: Can I sleepover alis tonight?
Mother: No
Me: Why not?
Mother: What do you mean why not?
Me: I mean why cant i sleep over?
Mother: Because you're there every weekend, and I'm saying no
End

Then today as we're driving home from penn state:
Mother: So I drove past Ali's this morning, and I saw a lot of cars, one of them being Jakes
Me: yeah I know.
Mother: oh so boys sleep over there too?
Me: yeah, its not a big deal, its not like anything ever even happens
Mother: I dont know that.
Me: well its the truth, alis mom knows theyre there. once again not a big deal
Mother: Her mother knows and is okay with that?
Me: uhm yeah, shes always there, shes knows theyre there.
Mother: oh well I dont agree with that.
end

piss me off, she thinks we're doing stuff. yup sorry i forgot to inform you, we have crazy wild sex, all together in the basement, all the time. execpt, that never happens.


I then get asked by ali, jake and brendan if i was coming to the sleep over tonight. I honestly i didnt even bother to ask seeing as i knew the conversation would play out as this:
Me: mom can I sleep over alis tonight
Mother: ( something along the lines of) are you kidding me, i said no last night, and now i know boys are there, you shouldnt even have bothered asking, or, NO.]
Me: fine goodnight.
end

I love the fact that she STILLLLLLLLLLLLL doesnt trust me. Like thanks, you really show how much you love me. I mean sure i fucked up. I wont deny that, i did, but i ALWAYS tell you where i am, and what im doing, i have good grades, i work, i dont drink, i dont do drugs, and im not having sex. Like what else do you want from me? So what, i have a sleepover with boys, what am i six? Nothing ever happens at the sleepovers, seeing as denise and danny are upstairs, not to mention danny is chief of police. Like im not stupid. god this whole situation is just pissing me off. You want to know what we do at these sleep overs? Eat about eight tons of oreos and watch movies, oh and play parachute panic. I guess the only choice is to become completly withdrawn, have no friends, and never go out. Will you trust me then?



"If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time."

please dont let me go

Your words have been ringing in my ears all day, sharp, like a nail struck deep into a wall, strong, like the structure of the worlds greatest buildings. Is this really happening? I never thought I would see the day that the world would turn against me. But then again its not turning on me, because I'm ever changing, so are you turning your back on the new me in search of the old, and if you are in search of the old me, good luck, that person is long gone. I wish I had the confidence to push these words to a higher extent, but they'll just have to pass for mediocre. They tell you to fight for what you believe for, but is it really worth it if you stand alone? Or if it kills you? Whats the point of fighting for something when all it does is destroy the hope of you ever getting to see what you've always wanted. Dreams are just that, dreams, unreachable, but everyone still longs for them. Call me a pessimist, but the glass is half empty, it always has been.




"Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much."

like what the hell

Why is my mom being physco with me driving, like I dont understand

just take a breath

I'm terrified.
Terriffied to see what lies behind those beautiful eyes.
You look so innocent.
Those eyes dont reflect your reputation.
Longing for trust, how trustful are you?
Are those eyes really what they seem?
Baby are you real or just fake?
i'm terrified.


"people change and promises are broken."

we change, we wait

The moment your eye catches mine, our worlds collide.
The room begins to spin, all I can see is you.
You feel so right, if only for this moment.
You invade my mind, taking up all space, all other thoughts desintegrate.
We're caught in this moment, no words, no exlpination needed.
This energy between us builds and builds until, im sure it could burn this city down.
And just like that, you're gone.




"This was supposed to be the easy part, but breaking down is what I found hard.
Now I'm wearing the smile that I dont believe in"

it happens over and over.

I used to think I knew exactly I wanted. I'm more indecisive now then I ever have been. My skin burns with the proof of failure. It burns even hotter, full of regret. I failed myself, and even worse, I failed you. Sorry for letting you believe so highly in me to only be let down. My brain is on overdrive, I'm over analyzing everything I come across anymore. When your name comes across my phone screen, my heart stops beating. Sure I can say and even mean it when I says "God I fucking hate him," but there is something in the back of my mind screaming, "JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT," but when it does happen, afterwords that screaming voice is replaced with shame and frustration. It sounds so shitty, but there isn't even anything special about you anymore. You used to be a smooth talker, you don't even bother talking to me anymore. You used to be the funny one, you're so fucking annoying. I've outgrown you, but oddly, i haven't outgrown what we used to have. But I don't want to talk about you anymore. I just need to try to get everything out now, so nothing bad happens anymore. I don't even know what pain I have to deal with, it is there, i can feel it, but its just in a foreign language that I don't fully understand. And oh, you still don't trust me? At least I was fucking honest with you, I told you where I was going, she didn't tell her parents where she was really going to be. I never took your car out for a joy ride, she has done it more then once. I've never snuck out, she has. I'm responsible, shes not. So stop fucking comparing me to her, we're nothing a like. I've never once raise my fucking voice to you, simply out of respect. Simply because i don't want to push away the last parent i have. You want to know why I hate arguing with people, I remember sitting up crying in bed because you two would argue, no not argue, scream at each other for hours on end. I feel as though the second i argue with someone, I push them away forever. Just like you. Why dont you care you're not in my life? I havent seen you in what four years? Great parenting. Am I just that shitty of a daughter that you don't even bother? What did I do? Sorry im not the star athlete, or the validictorian you secretly wish I was. Sorry Im not the worlds greatest child, not that you deserve it, seeing as you're nowhere near the worlds greatest dad. Just to let you know, dad, youre the reason all this shit started. If you would have been in my life, I would have never had a reason to hate myself so much, I wouldnt let him use me, I wouldnt let others walk all over me, I wouldnt fear rejection so much, I wouldnt put myself through everything ive gone through, I would have so much more self esteem, but the second you decided I wasnt even worth it, so did I.





"All I wanted was you."

Slow it down, slow it down.

The lines are getting blurry again, I can't tell my left from my right. Were you ever wrong or right? I miss that feeling of being wanted, but was it worth the feeling of being used? You changed me, I can see that, but the scary thing is, I kind of like it. I wish things were simple again, back to when it really didn't mean anything, back to when you really did care. I can't help but realize that I've become the person the old me, the me I liked, would hate. I wake up in the morning, exhausted from a restless sleep caused by my brain screaming at me all the mistakes I had made in the hours before. My thoughts are so scattered, I cant control them. I feel like nothing will work out for me anymore. Music is my one and only escape anymore, because talking it out with people doesnt seem to be getting the job done, no matter how much I talk to so someone, something always gets left behind, burning holes in the back of my throat trying to get its way out, trying to get out whats really bothering me, but I cant bring myself to let it escape, fearing once its out, I'll have no control over it, fearing no one will understand.

"The taste of ink is getting old its four o'clock in the fucking morning, each day gets more and more like the last day"

Its clear in my head, im screaming for something

I never thought that it would hit me as hard as it did. The second I said goodbye to you, was the second I realized you were actually leaving. Its weird the way when you finally realize what someones worth in your life actually accounts for, is the moment they're gone. You taught me so much. You talked me through some of the roughest moments I've ever gone through. Even though we really havent been close since eight grade, I still remember the person who was there for me when I needed someone to talk to. Those late night AIM conversations about the most random at times and serious at others that lasted late into morning hours will not be forgotten. You showed me God for the first time, and I can never thank you for how much better of a person you made me. Just like everyone else whos lives you've changed, Keen I wont forget you.


"See all those people on the ground, wasting time."

Slowly but surely

Everything and everyone is changing. I hate the people of Bangor. Just to let you know, just because you get drunk and do stupid shit, does NOT make you look cool, at all. You look like either a cheap slut or a drunk asshole. Do either of those things sound nice? uhhh I dont think so.

"I'm a real big fan of yours, but I'm quite the joke to you."



blahh i decided to edit this, i have things to add.
One, im OVERLY excited to see the used, im listening to my favorite six minute long video of on my own live. oh god, its seriously orgasmic.
Two, my mom just said i could go on the trip to rome, paris, etc. Im so excited, but nervous about the cost, plus car insurance, plus gas money, god fml, i need more hours at the z.

I still dont understand why, even though i have all of this, i still feel empty, i still feel like something is missing. I dont know how to describe this feeling, the feeling that something just isnt right in my life. I have no clue what it is. I also no matter how many people I talk to, no matter who it is, i feel so alone, like im in this bubble, i can talk to them, they can talk to me, but i wont let anyone in. I havent talked to anyone about anything serious in a while, and to be quite honest, i dont know if i even could if i tried.



"Try to hold it all inside, for just one night"

last name ever, first name greatest

When people ask you "whats wrong?" and you answer "nothing." You start to actually believe it yourself.


"but understand nothing was done for me"

Something to think about

Would you have said you were sorry, or would have even felt guilty, if I hadnt found out?





"so i dont plan on stopping at all, I want this shit forever maynnn."