it happens over and over.

I used to think I knew exactly I wanted. I'm more indecisive now then I ever have been. My skin burns with the proof of failure. It burns even hotter, full of regret. I failed myself, and even worse, I failed you. Sorry for letting you believe so highly in me to only be let down. My brain is on overdrive, I'm over analyzing everything I come across anymore. When your name comes across my phone screen, my heart stops beating. Sure I can say and even mean it when I says "God I fucking hate him," but there is something in the back of my mind screaming, "JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT," but when it does happen, afterwords that screaming voice is replaced with shame and frustration. It sounds so shitty, but there isn't even anything special about you anymore. You used to be a smooth talker, you don't even bother talking to me anymore. You used to be the funny one, you're so fucking annoying. I've outgrown you, but oddly, i haven't outgrown what we used to have. But I don't want to talk about you anymore. I just need to try to get everything out now, so nothing bad happens anymore. I don't even know what pain I have to deal with, it is there, i can feel it, but its just in a foreign language that I don't fully understand. And oh, you still don't trust me? At least I was fucking honest with you, I told you where I was going, she didn't tell her parents where she was really going to be. I never took your car out for a joy ride, she has done it more then once. I've never snuck out, she has. I'm responsible, shes not. So stop fucking comparing me to her, we're nothing a like. I've never once raise my fucking voice to you, simply out of respect. Simply because i don't want to push away the last parent i have. You want to know why I hate arguing with people, I remember sitting up crying in bed because you two would argue, no not argue, scream at each other for hours on end. I feel as though the second i argue with someone, I push them away forever. Just like you. Why dont you care you're not in my life? I havent seen you in what four years? Great parenting. Am I just that shitty of a daughter that you don't even bother? What did I do? Sorry im not the star athlete, or the validictorian you secretly wish I was. Sorry Im not the worlds greatest child, not that you deserve it, seeing as you're nowhere near the worlds greatest dad. Just to let you know, dad, youre the reason all this shit started. If you would have been in my life, I would have never had a reason to hate myself so much, I wouldnt let him use me, I wouldnt let others walk all over me, I wouldnt fear rejection so much, I wouldnt put myself through everything ive gone through, I would have so much more self esteem, but the second you decided I wasnt even worth it, so did I.





"All I wanted was you."