I can't wait to start

I found a plan that will work
I start it tomorrow
Wish me luck



"You come to find that trust has come and gone."

Its a whole new kind of hate

I hate this place.
I hate this town.
I hate the people.
No, I REALLY hate the people.
Everyone pretty much.
You all suck.
You're all annoying.
You get excited over stupid things.
Your voices make me cringe.
No I mean, I REALLY hate the people.
God, I can't wait to move.



"If you'd let me have my way I swear I'd tear you apart."

Then think of what you did and how I hope to God he was worth it

One song.
Its simply amazing how one song can send shivers down your spine.
Rhythm. Rhyme. Bass. Treble. Lyrics. Vocals. Notes. Strums. Beats.
How?
How is it that these songs still bring me back?
Those days simply flash back in front of my eyes,
faster than I'm able to turn the song off.
Those days were nightmares.
I'm ready to move on, but something is holding me back.
The real question is, can I break free, or do I like being stuck?


"Watch your mouth, oh, oh, oh.
Because your speech is slurred and I bet you might just swallow your tongue"

I cant feel it baby

It slowly builds, from the bottom to the top.
Almost over-flowing.
I'm free, I'm free, I'm free.
I could scream it from the top of this city.
Thank God, I'm finally free.

"Remember, cause that's all you can do"

Lyrics that can mean the world

from the way that you acted
to the way that I felt it
It wasn't worth my time
and now it's sad cause all I missed
wasn't that good to begin with
and now I've started you begging
saying things that you don't mean
it isn't worth my time
a line's a dime a million times
and I'm about to see all of them

Goodbye to you
you're taking up my time

you call my name when I wake up
to see things go your way
i'm coughing up my time
each drag's a drop of blood a grain
a minute of my life
it's all I've got just to stay down
why the fuck am I still down
I'm hoarding all thats mine
each time I let just one slip by
I'm wasting what is mine

Nothing new

Just a burning inscent and much needed sleep



"I'm staying up all night hoping, hittin' my head against the wall."

livin like, like theres no tomorrow

I lost myself.
I never used to care
I used to live life.
I can never find my way back, ever.
Lost and found? No, lost forever.
I gained this feeling that I need you, and I hate it.
Things used to be spur of the moment.
I miss you.
I miss me.




" Imma be rocking like this, what.
Yall niggers wanna talk shit, what.
Why dont you put this on the blog nigga."

Worth dying for

make a move make a move make a move.
what if he rejects it,
he wont.
but he might.
shit what do i do.
have someone set it up for you.
but i dont want to get dicked over again.
its different with him.
its different with him.
you dont actually like him.
you dont actually like him.







"stand on top of the roof top wondering,
is it good? yeah its good for jumpin.

Imagen all the people sharing all the world

Tonight was fun.
Lets play strip padiddle, and then get lost.
hahahahah, i love you guys :]






P.S Stoping pulling me in twenty different directions.





"You, you may say I'm a dreamer.
But I'm not the only one.
I hope some day you will join us,
And the world will live as one."

Dear mom

You asked me who I was pissed at, and that makes me think you're reading my blog, which makes me angry.
This is one place where I can vent about whatever I want, use whatever language I want, and have just my friends see. So if you are reading this, its nothing against you, but i'll either be setting it to private, or deleting it.

Laugh it all off in your face, what would you do?

"I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself.
This is who I really am."



Screaming at the top of my lungs, "I FUCKING HATE YOU."
Punchingkickingscreamingrippingcuttingsmashingscratching.
Its just me and you, alone.
No one is here to stop me this time.
Who will win, a stressed mind, or a heavy heart?
I look up one last time into the mirror, and the war begins.




"Did you regret ever standing by my side?"

I'm on the edge, seconds from tipping over.
Then again I may have already started the free-fall.
The quote "The straw that breaks the camels back," no longer seems humors to me.


"santa you bitch, didnt get a damn thing from my christmas list.

Mr. Winter, don't forget her

Alone:

adj.

1. Being apart from others; solitary.

2. Considered separately from all others of the same class

3. Being without anyone or anything else; only.

4. Being without equal; unique.

Lucky:
adj. luck·i·er, luck·i·est

1. Having or attended by good luck. See Synonyms at happy.

2. Having good fortune.




I'm alone, so consider yourself lucky.



"Till everyone is singing, la la la, la la la,la la la"

No I wont give in

You really are better then them.
Don't let them bring you down.
Tough relationship after tough relationship.
With a heart as great as yours, one day everything will work out.
You will find the guy who was worth getting past all the bullshit.
He will treat you right.
I love you to death bestfriend, and I hate seeing you in pain.
So whenever you need me, I'll be there,
I love you. :]

"When it gets cold and it feels liek the end, theres not place to go you know I won't give in. No I won't give in. Keep holdin on, cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through. Just stay strong, cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.

Im bruised and scarred

Fuck this.
6-8 pages of bullshit.
I hate writing papers on topics I don't care about.
Gandhi, you're a great guy and all, but I'd rather write about something more interesting.

"Someone please sing this love-sick melody."

I think I like you, move back please.
Words worth writing down still evade me, so I'll just rant about randomness.
My room is disgusting, I need to clean it.
I NEED to do wash too.
I still love music.
I need sleeeeep.
I love under armor.
Things, starting tonight, are changing.
You're also an option ;]
hmmm lets see how things progress.

"Promise you, promise you that, promise I'll never change.
Promise you, pormise you that, that your heart will break."

Pranks

Words evade me lately.


"Hi to the haters, I'll see you lataa"

Or worse.

"Things will be different. I promise myself that much"







"Write me off, cause I'd rather stop now if you won't open up"

Forward Can't Be Stopped

Time for random sentences that mean nothing to anyone except me.
You're a slut.
You're a drunk slut.
You've changed.
You're a bitch.
You're an asshole.
Why the hell would you do that?
I love you to death.
You're my favorite.
I wish you liked me more.
I hate, hate, HATE you.
You're the dumbest teacher I've ever had.
You really are a bitch.
I like you, and possibly you. This is weird, I go from like noone, to two totally different people.
Say whatttt?
I like you each for the different things you bring to the table.
what to do, what to do.
make up your mind marissa.
You're prob going to end up with neither, but pick one to at least have hopes for.


"Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe."

Dez moines

That song ^^ will forever remind me of you.
Weird how things work out like that.
I've never felt so out of place as I did tonight.
Sorry for trailing you like a sad lost puppy, I'm just shy when I don't know anyone.
Tonight was fun though, I like meeting new people, I just hate the awkwardness of it.


"I'll run forever with you."

Please take a long hard look through your textbook, cause I'm history.

Owl city, I don't care what you have to say, I enjoy their music.
It makes me happy. He looks at the world in such an original way.
Originality, something the world needs.
Music in general makes me happy.
Glee makes me happy.
People let me down, everyday.
I let myself down, everyday,
Things will change, after break, I promise myself that much.
Working at Weis Markets has made me realize, people are terribly rude.
I've also realized technology is deteriorating the world we live in.
You, are my constant, I wish this would turn into something real.
Though this seeping, paralyzing realization is that, well that it won't happen.

"Wish there was a way that I could make you understand"

Baby catch me if you can

My mind is running circles around you.
You, my central idea. I find myself thinking of you a the most random of times.
Does this make you a crush?
Its one I never saw coming.
My feelings keep building, unsure, unstable, but sound.



On another note.
Scene kids, im glad you were ratted out.
If youre stupid enough to smoke pot in the first place, let alone bring it to school, you should get in trouble.
I fucking hate you all.

"Whats holding me back, is the thought of time we never had.

Stop, just stop.

just incase my head caves in

I'll take my leave, and I won't even look back.

"you know that I could use somebody"

Got me out here in the water so deep.

If you can't take it, don't give it.
Period.


"Im through with playing by the rules of someone elses game."

See it fast, hear it slow.

My feet cant breathe. I need to take my socks off.
Ahh, much better.
Coed sleepovers seem to be a hot topic.
Lets just say one thing.
Mom, sorry to break it to you, but if I wanted to have sex, I wouldnt need a sleep over to do so.
So, I dont see the big deal in the sleepovers, I never have.
Random statements that seems to be floating around in my head currently, I feel the need to get rid of them.
You inspire me.
I really like you, and I cant explain why.
I wish you cared about me.
I would, if you texted me.
I love music.
I hate most girls.
I hate people who smoke pot, period.
I hate the fact that people think its cool to get drunk, sorry you look like a fucking dumbass.
No one likes you, go home.
Im always tired.
I wish you saw me the way i see you.
I wish I didnt have such a problem with authority.
I wish I looked happy when I work.
I wish I could sing.
Orrr dance.



"Turn you down, I wish I could"

Back in black

I love the junior girls with my entire heart.
Sophomores, you can s a d for all i care.
Deanna, is my hero for life.
I never thought I would lay out to get a flag, but I did.
Kristi, you're the only player I give praise to.
I thought I had a concussion. But i dont think i do.
Thank you josh and carly for being my doctors.
Im exhausted.
Oh thank you mr cohen for letting me play
not to mention its bullshit i got in trouble at all
fuck bangor, seriously.

"you're gonna need a body bag, I'll break bones you didnt know you had.

I know you know my boyfriend is out of town.

"What if I led a different life? Would you stay, stay?
What if you could only speak the truth? What would you say, say?
There is a part in everyday, when I lie to myself and say that its okay.
Cause if I don't I think I'd go insane. But the truth is I only have myself to blame.
Explain to me how you're so damn naive, think I don't see, see.
Forget what I said you're only good in bed or on your knees.
Time doesn't wait for anyone."

"ive got more wit, better kiss, hotter touch a better fuck, then any boys you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me"

According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I cant do anything right.

"Who has a girlfriend, and who doesnt have a boyfriend?"
wow, you're a fucking dickhead.
I have NO clue what I ever saw in you.
I can't even stand you anymore.
You think you're always right, you're always wrong.
wrongwrongwrongwrong
You're all wrong.
I dont need your smartass comments.
I hate the entired male specises. They all suck.



"stop the track, let me state facts"

two thousand eleven, two thousand eleven, two two two two two thousand eleven.

Tonight was fun.
Juniors are beat.
Seniors suck.
Perfect ten.
Perfect what?/ One step above.
and then i couldnt tell what they were saying.
bonfire is love.
Dancing with my friends for over an hour was the highlight of my night.
That and Jess when we were at five points.
"oh uhmmm TGSL(star) what can we make of that?"
"OH! Thank God Someone Likes Stars"
Thanks for that Jess.



"Who's gonna run this town tonight?"

Who will be there in the end?

I hate scene kids.
I hate drama.
I hate gossip.
I hate rumors.
I hate power hungry teachers.
I hate overachievers.
I hate freshman.
I hate crowded hallways.
I hate people who don't have school spirit.
I hate pointless text messages.
I hate attention whores.
I hate the fact that all questions must have answers.
I hate manipulative people.
I hate phone Nazis.
I hate weis markets.
I hate overly opinionated people.
I hate people that always have to be correct.
I hate people who choose to spell words wrong just because they think its cool.
I hate the fact that people think they need to fit in or be cool.
I hate that no one is original anymore.
I hate our government.
I hate money.
I hate the need to be better for someone else.
I hate feeling like I'll never get out.
I hate feeling stuck.
I hate not being able to trust anyone anymore.
I hate not being able to tell anyone.
I hate you for putting me through something like that.
I hate myself for allowing you to walk away.
I hate myself for pulling you back in.



"What if I led a different life, would you stay?

and how i hope to god he was worth it

I think my wrist is sprained. Its kinda swallen, and it hurts to type. Oh well. There is one man who comes to mr. zs often, and his voice is sooo deep that it sounds like it would be painful when he speaks. Im making shark fins for tomorrow. Mother is making me get the H1N1 vaccine tomorrow. I dont want it. I cant stand people anymore. Working in customer service has convinved me that most people really are just that bad. The rudeness I have to put up with on a daily basis is redicoulous. I like your car. A lot. These feelings I have for you are the weirdest ones yet. Who would have thunk it?




"Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat"

I'm sure I'll get the picture.

Im sitting here, alone, in my under armor pants and a new penn state hoodie, alone being the key word. I hate this. I should be at Ali's with my friends, the friends I basicaly only get to see once a week, at the sleepover we have every weekend. Once again I should be there. But nope, im here. Last night when I asked to go, the convo went like this:
Me: Can I sleepover alis tonight?
Mother: No
Me: Why not?
Mother: What do you mean why not?
Me: I mean why cant i sleep over?
Mother: Because you're there every weekend, and I'm saying no
End

Then today as we're driving home from penn state:
Mother: So I drove past Ali's this morning, and I saw a lot of cars, one of them being Jakes
Me: yeah I know.
Mother: oh so boys sleep over there too?
Me: yeah, its not a big deal, its not like anything ever even happens
Mother: I dont know that.
Me: well its the truth, alis mom knows theyre there. once again not a big deal
Mother: Her mother knows and is okay with that?
Me: uhm yeah, shes always there, shes knows theyre there.
Mother: oh well I dont agree with that.
end

piss me off, she thinks we're doing stuff. yup sorry i forgot to inform you, we have crazy wild sex, all together in the basement, all the time. execpt, that never happens.


I then get asked by ali, jake and brendan if i was coming to the sleep over tonight. I honestly i didnt even bother to ask seeing as i knew the conversation would play out as this:
Me: mom can I sleep over alis tonight
Mother: ( something along the lines of) are you kidding me, i said no last night, and now i know boys are there, you shouldnt even have bothered asking, or, NO.]
Me: fine goodnight.
end

I love the fact that she STILLLLLLLLLLLLL doesnt trust me. Like thanks, you really show how much you love me. I mean sure i fucked up. I wont deny that, i did, but i ALWAYS tell you where i am, and what im doing, i have good grades, i work, i dont drink, i dont do drugs, and im not having sex. Like what else do you want from me? So what, i have a sleepover with boys, what am i six? Nothing ever happens at the sleepovers, seeing as denise and danny are upstairs, not to mention danny is chief of police. Like im not stupid. god this whole situation is just pissing me off. You want to know what we do at these sleep overs? Eat about eight tons of oreos and watch movies, oh and play parachute panic. I guess the only choice is to become completly withdrawn, have no friends, and never go out. Will you trust me then?



"If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time."

please dont let me go

Your words have been ringing in my ears all day, sharp, like a nail struck deep into a wall, strong, like the structure of the worlds greatest buildings. Is this really happening? I never thought I would see the day that the world would turn against me. But then again its not turning on me, because I'm ever changing, so are you turning your back on the new me in search of the old, and if you are in search of the old me, good luck, that person is long gone. I wish I had the confidence to push these words to a higher extent, but they'll just have to pass for mediocre. They tell you to fight for what you believe for, but is it really worth it if you stand alone? Or if it kills you? Whats the point of fighting for something when all it does is destroy the hope of you ever getting to see what you've always wanted. Dreams are just that, dreams, unreachable, but everyone still longs for them. Call me a pessimist, but the glass is half empty, it always has been.




"Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much."

like what the hell

Why is my mom being physco with me driving, like I dont understand

just take a breath

I'm terrified.
Terriffied to see what lies behind those beautiful eyes.
You look so innocent.
Those eyes dont reflect your reputation.
Longing for trust, how trustful are you?
Are those eyes really what they seem?
Baby are you real or just fake?
i'm terrified.


"people change and promises are broken."

we change, we wait

The moment your eye catches mine, our worlds collide.
The room begins to spin, all I can see is you.
You feel so right, if only for this moment.
You invade my mind, taking up all space, all other thoughts desintegrate.
We're caught in this moment, no words, no exlpination needed.
This energy between us builds and builds until, im sure it could burn this city down.
And just like that, you're gone.




"This was supposed to be the easy part, but breaking down is what I found hard.
Now I'm wearing the smile that I dont believe in"

it happens over and over.

I used to think I knew exactly I wanted. I'm more indecisive now then I ever have been. My skin burns with the proof of failure. It burns even hotter, full of regret. I failed myself, and even worse, I failed you. Sorry for letting you believe so highly in me to only be let down. My brain is on overdrive, I'm over analyzing everything I come across anymore. When your name comes across my phone screen, my heart stops beating. Sure I can say and even mean it when I says "God I fucking hate him," but there is something in the back of my mind screaming, "JUST FUCKING GO FOR IT," but when it does happen, afterwords that screaming voice is replaced with shame and frustration. It sounds so shitty, but there isn't even anything special about you anymore. You used to be a smooth talker, you don't even bother talking to me anymore. You used to be the funny one, you're so fucking annoying. I've outgrown you, but oddly, i haven't outgrown what we used to have. But I don't want to talk about you anymore. I just need to try to get everything out now, so nothing bad happens anymore. I don't even know what pain I have to deal with, it is there, i can feel it, but its just in a foreign language that I don't fully understand. And oh, you still don't trust me? At least I was fucking honest with you, I told you where I was going, she didn't tell her parents where she was really going to be. I never took your car out for a joy ride, she has done it more then once. I've never snuck out, she has. I'm responsible, shes not. So stop fucking comparing me to her, we're nothing a like. I've never once raise my fucking voice to you, simply out of respect. Simply because i don't want to push away the last parent i have. You want to know why I hate arguing with people, I remember sitting up crying in bed because you two would argue, no not argue, scream at each other for hours on end. I feel as though the second i argue with someone, I push them away forever. Just like you. Why dont you care you're not in my life? I havent seen you in what four years? Great parenting. Am I just that shitty of a daughter that you don't even bother? What did I do? Sorry im not the star athlete, or the validictorian you secretly wish I was. Sorry Im not the worlds greatest child, not that you deserve it, seeing as you're nowhere near the worlds greatest dad. Just to let you know, dad, youre the reason all this shit started. If you would have been in my life, I would have never had a reason to hate myself so much, I wouldnt let him use me, I wouldnt let others walk all over me, I wouldnt fear rejection so much, I wouldnt put myself through everything ive gone through, I would have so much more self esteem, but the second you decided I wasnt even worth it, so did I.





"All I wanted was you."

Slow it down, slow it down.

The lines are getting blurry again, I can't tell my left from my right. Were you ever wrong or right? I miss that feeling of being wanted, but was it worth the feeling of being used? You changed me, I can see that, but the scary thing is, I kind of like it. I wish things were simple again, back to when it really didn't mean anything, back to when you really did care. I can't help but realize that I've become the person the old me, the me I liked, would hate. I wake up in the morning, exhausted from a restless sleep caused by my brain screaming at me all the mistakes I had made in the hours before. My thoughts are so scattered, I cant control them. I feel like nothing will work out for me anymore. Music is my one and only escape anymore, because talking it out with people doesnt seem to be getting the job done, no matter how much I talk to so someone, something always gets left behind, burning holes in the back of my throat trying to get its way out, trying to get out whats really bothering me, but I cant bring myself to let it escape, fearing once its out, I'll have no control over it, fearing no one will understand.

"The taste of ink is getting old its four o'clock in the fucking morning, each day gets more and more like the last day"

Its clear in my head, im screaming for something

I never thought that it would hit me as hard as it did. The second I said goodbye to you, was the second I realized you were actually leaving. Its weird the way when you finally realize what someones worth in your life actually accounts for, is the moment they're gone. You taught me so much. You talked me through some of the roughest moments I've ever gone through. Even though we really havent been close since eight grade, I still remember the person who was there for me when I needed someone to talk to. Those late night AIM conversations about the most random at times and serious at others that lasted late into morning hours will not be forgotten. You showed me God for the first time, and I can never thank you for how much better of a person you made me. Just like everyone else whos lives you've changed, Keen I wont forget you.


"See all those people on the ground, wasting time."

Slowly but surely

Everything and everyone is changing. I hate the people of Bangor. Just to let you know, just because you get drunk and do stupid shit, does NOT make you look cool, at all. You look like either a cheap slut or a drunk asshole. Do either of those things sound nice? uhhh I dont think so.

"I'm a real big fan of yours, but I'm quite the joke to you."



blahh i decided to edit this, i have things to add.
One, im OVERLY excited to see the used, im listening to my favorite six minute long video of on my own live. oh god, its seriously orgasmic.
Two, my mom just said i could go on the trip to rome, paris, etc. Im so excited, but nervous about the cost, plus car insurance, plus gas money, god fml, i need more hours at the z.

I still dont understand why, even though i have all of this, i still feel empty, i still feel like something is missing. I dont know how to describe this feeling, the feeling that something just isnt right in my life. I have no clue what it is. I also no matter how many people I talk to, no matter who it is, i feel so alone, like im in this bubble, i can talk to them, they can talk to me, but i wont let anyone in. I havent talked to anyone about anything serious in a while, and to be quite honest, i dont know if i even could if i tried.



"Try to hold it all inside, for just one night"

last name ever, first name greatest

When people ask you "whats wrong?" and you answer "nothing." You start to actually believe it yourself.


"but understand nothing was done for me"

Something to think about

Would you have said you were sorry, or would have even felt guilty, if I hadnt found out?





"so i dont plan on stopping at all, I want this shit forever maynnn."

So to be honest

Ive never loved a show as much as I love glee <3333333
nothing gets better then this.









"Everybody, they love a winner, so nobody love me"

Im glad I did it cause you had to learn

fuck it, i dont care if you see this or not, fuck you both. COME TO MY FUCKING FACE AND TELL ME YOU DONT LIKE ME. oh and the whole going to easton with lindsey and ali, suck it the fuck up, get over it. The fact that you had to call TWO FUCKING PEOPLE, who I thought were my friends just to find out where I was is just fucking pathetic, and the fact that she lied for you, shows that she really doesnt like me. WONDERFUL. Oh and you know how you think ive changed, well to be honest, I KNOW IVE CHANGED. and its for the better. Sorry im not as bitchy and pathetic anymore. Sorry I dont like making reckless choices anymore. Sorry I have self confidence.

"Break away from everybody, break away from everything.
If you cant stand the way this place is, take yourself to higher places."

Kill off this thinking, it's starting to sink in I'm losing control now, and without you I can finally see

I believe that the more someone thinks about any action, let it be past, present, or future, more than they should, the more they regret it. Thats why you have to let life run its course. The second you read too far into something you've ruined it completely for yourself. Now im not saying you should do everything on just a sudden burst of thought, some actions need to be thought through a little more then others, but if you read in between the lines too much, you may regret it more then if you would have just gone with it in the first place. The more you look back into the past, the more you regret.

fgkljdfsg;lkjdfg;ldfjg

On another note, today was pretty good, Brendan picked me and Ali up from school, then we went to Alis house then jake came over, then we went to the football game, which we won, then back to Alis, then Brittneys, Now im home. oh by the way, you may be the mvp, but im the play maker, and youre benched.

I dont want tomorrow

p.s I miss the old you

"I'll probably always have these ugly scars, but right now I dont care about that part."

10 Reasons I hate BAHS

1. Color coded bathrooms... what are we, six?
2. No cell phones... awh man come on, i wasnt even finished texting my friend the answers.
3. No water bottles or coffee mugs... come on I just really want some vodka so i can get drunk during class
4. If you come inside the building before 7:15 and about ever 10 feet you walk there is a new teacher there asking you where youre going... oh im on my way to find somewhere to plant this bomb, i mean library.
5. No backpacks, but you may have our cheep bags that have plastic in the front that you can buy for five dollars... wow this doesnt look like its going to fall apart in five days, oh and if i put a binder in the front of it, well who knows whats behind the binder...
6. If you throw a little noodle im going to yell at you... yeah today some little annoying sophomore boys kept flicking pasta bar noodles, dont get me wrong, I enjoy pasta as much as the next person, but not when its getting flicked at me from 20 feet away. I then flipped them off, seeing as they were all laughing, and proceeded to throw a noodle back at them, and of course, i get caught, but none of them do. WONDERFUL BANGOR SECURITY, I CAN SEE THAT THERE ARE NO OTHER BIG CRIMES EXCEPT THE NOODLE THROWERS TO GO AFTER.
7.) No hoods or hats inside the building, sure sure i understand the respect thing, but there is NO reason to pretty much chase a student down the hall for having his hood up, whats he hiding under his hood? a bottle of vodka? come on really, and as for the respect thing, uhm hat day, does the rule of respect suddenly change just because you pay a dollar to put something on your head? Well apparently at Bangor Area High School it does.
8. Quarry Crew is too rowdy... Oh sorry, please tell that to our athletes that love having us cheer, oh and our fan sportsmanship award.
9.) They constantly tell you that the guidance office staff is there for you, yet when you go down to get help, a.) they either dont know how to help you, or, b.) there is no one available to help you
10.) 4 lousy minutes in the hallway... are you kidding me? oh sorry i didnt know you wanted me to sprint from class to class, but wait its not like its even possible to move, seeing as there are about 20 groups of freshman taking up the hallways no matter what hall youre in.

Thank God...

I finally got a goods night sleep last night, first night in three weeks. I woke up and actually was not exhausted. Blahhhhh watching a movie and what not, then cleaning. Its Sarah's birthday today, so cake and fake smiles.



"Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know that you were
Oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
And something's telling me to leave, but I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't"

She swallowed a fork....?

Yeahhh, discovery health has some sick shit. God im exhausted. Long ass day today. Woke up. Went to the back to set up my checking/savings account. Went to pburg mall with Stofko. Went out and around with Julie. Went to the movies with Julie, Ali and Jake, and now im finally home. Thank God. Im so tired. dsflakjsdfl;j, im excited to sleep :] oh and at the movies it was crazy, there were at least 16 other people from bangor there. I hate everyone. This girl bleeds.... tears? " the girl who cries blood." I kid you not i just heard this shit on the tv, google it.




"Girl if you pull up to my window im gonna take your ordaa, or-ordaa"

all those years, they were here first

This movie is making me sad. I cry pretty much any time someone in a movie is crying, woops. Im hoping to get piercings with jake some time this week. woohoo. I wish you werent moving. I want to leave bangor. I hate most of the people and I just in general hate the school. I wish I could have a new begining. So I guess im just kinda envioius that youb get to leave and I dont. I mean dont get me wrong i have some of the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for its just the rest of the people that live here. UGH. I will never EVER forgive you. I didnt think it was possible to feel this much hatered towards a person ever in my life. How DARE you talk to my mother the way to did. You disgust me. You ruined highschool for me. thanks.







"Something about you is so addictive."

Tick, Tick Boom.

Time has never moved so slow.

I just wanna break you down so badly

I get the most depressed when I read the secrets posted on "post secret"
Its so sad. but in a way it makes me feel better about myself, and then I realize I have a few of my own I could honestly post, i think I might

this one just made me want to cry
" I steal my moms Prozac so that I dont care when she tells me shes disappointed in me."

on a little bit more of the brighter side, im superrr pumped for the football game tomorrow.

p.s I liked you better before.




"We only made out, you never kissed me, thats how I learned to hold back all feeling."

If second chances were possible, I'd be first in line.

So, I hate scene kids, and freshman, without them, school would be fine. Pep rally Thursday , football game Friday. Work is also friday, but luckily I get off just in time to go to the game. Im pumped. I live for football season, and basketball season, but we'll get to that when it gets here. I want time to move faster, that would be nice.



p.s im so sorry.




"Look Over Your Shoulder
Your Conscience Kills Your Constant Thrills
Shallow Makeover.
Hide In Your Eyes
Dancing In The Bright Lights
Take Out The Knife
This Brush Just Doesn't Feel Right
Hide In Your Eyes
Mirrors Tell The Worst Lies"

mother nature can suck my wang

I hate rain, it ruins plans. I love this music channel, except this song is annoying as fuck. I have nothing interesting to write about. Except that dumb fuck doesnt understand hints. For the first day I actually want to hang out he doesnt text me, dumbass. Uhhhh yeah working tonight can also suck my dick. I guess im going to that roseto carnival after work ehhh.




"But you'd be wrong. All that happens when your dreams come true is a slow, melting realization that it wasn't what you thought.
And it won't save you."
-for one more day
-by mitch albom

why cant you just take no for an answer

this is ridiculous.

Just say the first words that come along to your head

I don't know whats going on lately. I swear the whole world has lost their minds, and I swear I'm 100% bipolar. My mind has been changing fast as ever. I dont know what I want anymore. Confusion is the key word for me. I can't get over this jealousy, and I can't get over this longing for him. I think I'm losing myself, and that scares me. I just want to melt away into this music right now, and I think I might. My life has never seemed so chaotic. I want to find myself again. I want this self hating to go away, I mean, ive never hated what ive become so much before, and I fear a good nights sleep wont shake the way i feel right now. I dont know what to do with myself anymore, this is just terrible, I'm hoping for a day things will look up, but for now that day seems out of reach.






"This bottles half way empty
Cause your glass is half way full
Can you please go without me
I swear that everything's alright"

when the world comes crashing down whos ready to party

well i just returned home from being out for like the eighth night in a row. mother says from now till school starts i cant go out seeing as ive been out like 4 days out of five for the past two months, woops. Loved that I got in a fight with people ever the stupidest reason. honestly, that was complete bullshit, you didnt need to flip out on me like that. And text forwarding, everyone gets soo much more powerful behind technology. But everyone agreed, I verbally spanked you. suck on that. Ali's hosue was fun, and apperntly in my sleep i felt brendans leg up, woops. His nose whistles when he sleeps, haha. Oh jake.. oh ali. Ive never seen brit get so angry at people, but that was funny shit, and oh yeah brendan, hahah parachute panic is now my favorite game on my ipod, thank you. Uhh im wearing his shirt, fml, i dont know whats wrong with me, oh well. He better come back for prob or im going to die. Turkeyhill lemonade will forever remind me of last night, oh that and strawberry creamcheese. God I live for summer night, oh and football season, hell fucking yeahh.




"that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have"

When its all over, who will be standing by your side in the end?

My mother woke me up way to early this morning. I woke up feeling like I had run a marathon in my sleep. I don't want to work today, but cant really do much about that. I'm learning more and more each day about myself and about others. I'm learning who are my real friends, and who are the people that are only "part-time friends," you know, those friends that are only there for your good days, but run and hide from the bad. next week, I'm pretty sure I'm going to bawl my eyes out. I'm wearing one of the shirts I stole from him, even though its not my favorite. My favorite one is the blue goalie one he gave me. One of my goals was to try and find something real, and get over "him" and just when im about to do that, it slips through my fingers, like any other good thing I've ever had. I just dont know how to handle this anymore. Just when I think things are looking up, everything pours back down onto me. This is just wrong.


"Each day gets more and more like the last day"

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it, even if I did I don't know if I would quit, but I doubt it

I feel the need to get some things off my chest, though i dont know why i deiced to start it now seeing as i just took a vicodin for my intense mouth pain and im going to be very out of it by the time i finish writing this. Oh well, here goes nothing. I've come to terms with that fact that some of my friends are not friends at all and never have been never will be, but do I do anything about that? no of course not. I think im too nice to tell people off. Or maybe im just to afriad. and wow i had a lot more to write, and i actually deleted a lot of stuff i was going to say, and decieded to get rid of it. woops. and now im getting a little spacy, so ill save the rest for a better day.


"turn the lights off in this place, and she shines just like a star"

dust has only just begun to form crops circles in the carpet

Wonderful day two of wisdom teeth being out. My face currently feels like my legs do after running a mile. Vicoden makes me sleepy. I havent been upstairs in two days. the living room is my new room. I have brothers laptop so everything is easy. I love the new dvd players, seeing as i can hook up my ipod to it and control it with the dvd player remote :]. My mind is corrently going in every directions, my thoughts arent concentrated at all. I wish this laptop had a webcam, causee theyre soo much fun, but it doesnt, oh well i can live. I hate how im not hunrgy but im forced to eat so that when i take my drugs i dont get sick. grrr. My diet for the past two days has been italian ice and yogurt :[ I am happy that my gums are no longer bleeding seeing as that tasted terrible andd was annoying to deal with, though the whole rinsing with salt water is pretty nasty :[ uhhhh i cant believe the dickhead wanted to hangout... this whole venting thing is extremly enjoyable. Lindsey and Ali are visiting later with lots of pudding and movies, which makes me extremly happy. God I love my friends :]


"but compared to your eyes nothign shines quite as bright"

this week

has had its ups and downs. Loveddddd hanging out with the good friends. but thennn I learned that people have been saying shit about me, and it wasnt even some random person, it was someone who really has NO right in saying this shit about me. Honestly, let me tell you this right now. I HATE attention, i would rather the spotlight be directed to others, i mean everyone wants to shine, but I would rather spend it in a dim light. People these days are just redicc. I dont understand the reason for spreading rumors, false or not. Sure gossip is fun from time to time, but some people take it WAY to far. Im starting to enjoy this blog. It allows much venting, and i dont have to waste space writing this shit in my sketch book. well yaa knoww.
imout.

and inspiration strikes

You hold me without chains, though theyre the strongest ive ever seen in my life . I dont now whether to stay and marvel at the power you have over me or run before it gets any worse. my feet dont move. I stay for the moment of pure extacy i get from you, forgetting that after i'll be lef withering in pain as i have every other time. i try to run but i can only get so far before your gravity pulls me back in, and the worst part is i dont fight it. for by now ive already forgotten about the pain, and im ready for the unmistakable high you give me over and over. this never ends, its your favorite game, and you're the mvp.